Before Lydia

I've been thinking a lot about the days before we found out that I was pregnant with Lydia. The clear planning on God's behalf amazes me. I know without a doubt it was the struggle of the past years and the way God showed Himself faithful that causes me to trust Him now.

Micah and I had been trying without success for two years to get pregnant. I know this isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, but it felt endless while we were walking through it. We finally scheduled an appointment with a fertility doctor to pursue our final options. Throughout our journey to this point, God was revealing things to me about Him and about myself and there was a constant question I could hear Him asking me: "Jen, if I say 'no' forever, am I enough for you?" I kept fighting with Him but in time, He would win me over. He always does.

A couple weeks before the scheduled appointment, my mom went the hospital for a simple procedure. What was supposed to be a simple, quick surgery turned into a life-saving surgery. They discovered that mom had ovarian cancer. If you know much about cancer, you know that ovarian cancer is normally not detected in time and many women do not survive. They were confident that they got the cancer out completely, but this shook our family pretty severely. Mom would have to do chemo to make sure the cancer was gone and we had a long road ahead.

Mom's surgery was on a Monday. Thursday she came home from the hospital. Also on Thursday, I took a pregnancy test - one of about a million. I'd never peed on any stick and had it come out positive. This one did. I won't describe the utter HYSTERIA that ensued but it was substantial. If you want to know, ask my friend Lisa. She was the first person I called. I called my family to tell them and there was joy in a time we most needed it.

Days later, after I'd had time to process I could finally see God's timing for what it was. Through all of my begging, crying, anger, He had a bigger plan. A greater purpose. A perfect time.

I'm trying now to hold on to this knowledge I've gained. In the midst of our joy and pain now as we watch our little girl, we beg Him for healing. And again, I hear Him say, "If I say 'no' forever, am I enough for you?" He's proven in the past that He is, but I struggle now more than ever with what it seems He's asking me to let go of.

Looking at the past, I do my best to put my trust in a God who has never left me and who has responded my prayers in His perfect time and in His perfect way.

This song by Tenth Avenue North is one that I put on repeat for days at a time. It helps me remember where God is in the midst of my struggles - right in the middle of it with me.