Seven Months

Sweet Baby Girl,

Today marks seven months since the day you were born. Thirty weeks. 212 days. 5,088 hours. Each hour, day, week, month - it’s more than we thought we would have. Though the days and weeks have been getting harder, every night when we tuck you into your crib, after Puppy and Froggy give you kisses, Papa and I pray to Jesus and thank Him for another day with you.

This month has seen the return of warm weather and the spring sun. When it was still too cold outside for you, I put you on the bed in the spare room so you could nap in the sunshine. Now it’s finally warm enough that we can snuggle out on the back deck or take a walk in the park. The other day we sat on the deck and I sang you all the songs I could think of that had the word “sunshine” in them.

You had your first cold and ear infection. I was worried because you had a fever and fevers can make you have more seizures. But I got to do normal mama things for you, like take a cool cloth and put it on your forehead and neck to cool you down, and snuggle you close all day long.

This month has been really hard for mama. I’ve had to tell you I’m sorry many times as I’ve held you and just cried and cried. I don’t want your life to be defined by sorrow, nor do I want my memories of our time together to be predominantly sorrowful. But some days, when the love I have for you pushes me to acknowledge the loss I’m facing, there’s nothing else I can do but cry for you - for all that you won’t have and for all that I won’t have.

But, my sweet baby, we have so much. We’ve had seven months. Thirty weeks. 212 days. I’ve had your tiny hand to hold and your soft, chubby cheek to stroke as I sing you songs. We’ve had bedtimes and bathtimes. We’ve had more than I could have imagined after our meeting with the geneticists who told us your life would be short.

We don’t know how aware you are anymore. It seems like any time you’re not asleep, you’re having seizures or getting ready to. We keep talking to you, keep playing the praise DVD I caught you watching the other day, keep reading you books. And I keep telling you how much I want you to stay, stay, stay, but that when you get too tired, it’s okay to go.

Today on your birthday you’re going to be surrounded by lots of people who love you. We’ll take walks, have snuggles, and relax with our family. It’s going to be a good day.

Happy Birthday, sugar pie. I love you so.

Love,
Mama