Three

I remember my affliction
and my wandering, the
wormwood and
bitterness.
Surely my soul
remembers
And is bowed down within me.
This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
The LORD's
lovingkindnesses
indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every
morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion,"
says my soul,
"Therefore I have hope in
Him."

I won't lie. I've been choking out the last half of those verses these days. I say choking because this past month, I've felt more in the grip of my afflictions than I have yet. It's like hands around my throat, all the time, strangling me into submission...into letting the grief swallow me up. It would be so easy to just let it. To stop fighting. To stop getting up every morning. To stop going out. To stop loving people. To stop caring what happens to anyone but myself. To shut the world that moves on without my girl and to live alone here in my house where I can make time stand still. It would be so much easier.

But just as I feel myself ready to give up the struggle and let the hands of grief stop my breath, something in me starts to scream and I'm able to choke out the words,

His lovingkindnesses never cease.
Therefore I have hope in Him.

Every time I say it, I weep. I gasp and cry and the hands back away from my throat. I sob as the truth sets in. It doesn't make it better now. But it keeps me going.

So, I keep going. I will keep going.

For the LORD will not
reject forever,
For if He causes grief,
Then he will have compassion
According to His abundant
lovingkindness.