Thursday, May 3, 2012

Two Years

This will be my final blog post here. Thank you, dear ones, for loving our girl and for loving us. I will leave this blog up as long as I can to stand as a memory of Lydia and to encourage other mamas who have to face letting their little ones go. Please keep up with our life and doings over at my other blog -

Two years. I’ve started writing this post many times and never get much past those words - two years. It’s so difficult to comprehend. I never could have imagined, when the silence of our empty home wrapped around us as we let her go, that two years would bring us to where we are now.

I am alive - not just my body, but my heart and soul too. I don’t know how it happened. It’s a miracle, really. There were days when I thought I would be swallowed up, that it would be easier if life stopped. There were parts of me I thought were beyond all repair. I want to say He has repaired me but it's more than that. God hasn’t merely repaired what was broken in me. He’s made me new.

By His grace, I am not who I was two years ago.

Of course, I still weep. I still get angry. I still can’t breathe sometimes when I stop and really remember the time we had with our girl. I still wish every day that she was with us. I imagine her in the backseat, talking to Levi as we drive. I wish things could be different.

But little by little, I can feel the dead places in my heart coming alive.

There aren't right or enough words to convey my sorrow. But, praise Jesus, there aren't right or enough words to convey my healing, made possible each new day by the grace of my Redeemer.

I think it started two years ago today. When we said goodbye, and maybe even before that, He was starting His work in me. I still don’t understand it or why it had to be this way, but I know this new person is moving ever closer and closer to who He meant me to be. And I know that this person would never have existed unless Lydia had.

This is the LORD’s doing. It is marvelous in my eyes.