Dear Lydia,
It’s almost impossible for me to write this letter to you - I don’t want to imagine you concerned with things of this broken world anymore. I wish there was any other way for me to do this, but since I still live on the earth, these words are all I have.
These past few days have been awful. Empty. Quiet. For such a small little girl, you leave a big hole. I’ve wished in my heart a million times for you to come back to us. But for all I would take you back in a second, I’m so thankful that you are now in your true home. I hope you know now how deeply we loved you while you were with us.
I did my best while you were with us to tell you that you were the answer to the most fervent prayers I have ever prayed. Before you existed, we prayed and prayed for God to give us a baby. But not just any baby. We wanted the baby that He wanted us to have. Whoever it was He needed to be born to the world to fulfill His perfect will, no matter how long we had to wait, no matter the struggle, that was the baby we wanted.
And He gave us you.
You were not what we expected. Nothing about the situation, about your sickness seemed right to us. But you. YOU were right. God knew you were right for us.
It wasn’t an easy road He asked the three of us to walk. I’ll never completely understand what exactly it is God was doing through all of this. But as hard as it was for us, I know it was worse for you, trapped in that broken but beautiful little body. But every time your tiny hand curled around my finger, every time you yawned your sweet baby yawn, every time I smooshed your cheek up against my lips made every other horrible moment worth it.
Our hearts are broken without you here. But we have hope in the prospect of seeing you again in heaven. I cannot wait until the day when we can stand together as a family, hand in hand and worship at the throne of our Savior.
Until then, know that we love you more than we ever thought possible and every time we speak of you it will be with pride and thankfulness for the great gift you were.
Love,
Mama
In August of 2009 God changed our lives by giving us a beautiful little girl. Lydia was born with Zellweger Syndrome. Lydia went to be with Jesus in April of 2010. This is the story of her life and death, and of our journey through grief in search of healing.
Oh Jen, I don't know what exactly God was doing either. Some things I don't understand. Everyone kept telling me that someday I would see the good in my daughters' deaths, the greater good God intended...and to be honest I didn't buy it. I am not sure we ever see it in this life and when we get to heaven I am not sure we care anymore. I knew that I would never come to a point or place in my life where I said, "oh THIS makes losing my daughters so worth it." It is a wound we carry forever. I can't imagine any good greater than them. Truly, as far as earthly good things go, nothing will ever be better than them. But I have seen God use my girls, their lifes and thier deaths have touched many. And I am thankful for that. By faith I trust God. Not because I have seen the good, but only because I know who HE is through his word. I have had not great epiphany since losing my girls, just a daily committment to walk with HIM. I wish I could tell you some magic words and take your pain away. I remember how it feels. I really do. And there are no words to describe how the very breath has been taken out of your body, how your heart has been broken into pieces, and how your life has been changed forever. You will never be the same. But you will be ok. In the meantime, be honest. It takes time and work and a lot of sorting things out and you need to protect your healing time. Lydia is worth all the grieving, all the tears, all the questions and all the anger. God can take it I promise. And so much comfort comes with honesty. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE ANYONE ELSE FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR LOSS. It is ok to take this season for yourself. And not in the selfish way, but it is a matter of survival, the survival of your soul. I know the brokenness you feel. I would wake up in the morning after my girls died and honestly ask God how I am even still alive, how has the intensity of the pain not killed me dead? Yet somehow, one day goes by at a time, some harder than others, and with each passing moment you will not miss her less, but you will heal a little more and learn how to live with it. I am here. Anytime, day or night. 805-701-0819. Call in the middle of the night if you want. I will pick up and I will listen. Nights can be tough. Heck, days are tough too. I am covering you in prayer and will be for the next year at least.
ReplyDeleteDear Jen
ReplyDeleteI am new to the story of your precious baby girl, as I sat and read through all your blogs my heart started to break for you and your beautiful Lydia Eileen. There is nothing as raw and real as a mothers love!
Although people try to explain- the truth is we will never know why you and Lydia had to go through this pain. All we do know without a doubt is that no matter what happens in this broken world, one truth remain, our Father God is a good God, His mercy abounds, His grace is sufficient, His love is pure and more than we can understand. Jen, that is the only truth we have, God never changes, no matter what we endure in our lives - God is the same yesterday, today and forevermore, the God of Abraham is the God of Lydia Eileen and He is a good God. Love you as my sister in Christ. Tacita (Melbourne Australia)
Lydia has impacted people more than others have in a lifetime. She reminds me of Enoch. She'll be showing us around heaven :) May the God of grace grant you both peace Jen.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Shawn
Jen-
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your precious Lydia with us and allowing the Lord to be glorified through her. Please know that we are praying for you. You are heavy on our hearts. Wish I were there to give you a hug and cry with you. So thankful for the hope we have in the midst of terrible pain.
Love, Ryan and Kristin
Jen,
ReplyDeleteYou, your husband, and your beautiful Lydia have been on my mind as you walk these early days of grief. My heart is absolutely broken, knowing full well how painful this all can be. When it feels too hard, breathe, and keep breathing, I swear to you as impossible as it feels, the breathing will come a little easier with time. I am so grateful for the strong faith that you have in Him to lead you through this, and pray that you feel His presence always at your side. Sending love and peace your way.
xx
Kristin
I'll never know what to say Jen. I just know that your faith in our Lord is so strong and powerful I feel comforted knowing you have Him to lean on while you grieve. I truly believe that God gave you Lydia, not just for you, but FOR Lydia. She needed wonderful, kind, loving parents and God gave them to her. She needed you :) It's so hard for me to realize God knows what He's doing. Situations like this really test my faith. My heart aches for you and your family. But I have to tell you, your strength in God has made me trust Him more. That's just one way your precious Lydia has had an impact on my life. Sending love and comfort, prayers every day. Peace for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteAmy
What a beautiful entry Jen, I am just so sad for your loss. I just do not have many words, take care of you.
ReplyDeleteEven in your grief you bless us!You are such a special person!
Thank you for sharing on your blog during this time of grief, but take time for you...
You are such a blessing to moms...
You are a wonderful mother, person and spirit.
I cannot imagine the sorrow you are feeling right now and I cant imagine the questions you must have, the un-knowns, but the Lord if faithful, He will cover you in your most broken state and piece you together again I just know He has His hands on you and Micah and will forever.
I just cannot hold back the tears for you and what you must be feeling right now and will be for some time, hang in there and give yourself time and love...everyone that loves you will be here when you are ready!