It's strange that I should feel nervous as I sit down to type here. But I do. My heart is racing and I have that really lovely "I want to throw-up" sensation. I've debated these past weeks about what to do about this blog. I know so many of you read because you wanted to know how to pray for Lydia. But she's not here now and here is not going to be a place for you to read all of the fun things we've been doing or to see cute pictures of her. I don't know even how many people will still bother coming to read here.
I've come to the conclusion (albeit rather hesitantly) that I still want to write here. But I'm warning you now, it's probably not going to be pretty. I feel like I have to keep writing for two reasons. One is mostly just selfish. I have things in me I want to say. Part of me thinks I should just keep a journal for myself and no one else, but I want other people to hear me. That brings me to reason two, which is that I know other women will walk this road or are walking it. I want to encourage. I want to point, as best I can, to Christ despite my brokenness. I want Lydia's life and her death to mean something. Obviously they mean something, but if this had to happen, if I have to walk this road, I want good to come out of it. And not just "Oh, one day there will be something good from all of this," kind of good. I want good I can see.
So...hi. My name is Jen. My baby girl died two weeks ago today. All of my faith rests in a God who I know let her die. I'm a little angry with Him right now. And I have no idea what to do with my life now.
In August of 2009 God changed our lives by giving us a beautiful little girl. Lydia was born with Zellweger Syndrome. Lydia went to be with Jesus in April of 2010. This is the story of her life and death, and of our journey through grief in search of healing.
Hi Jen. I'm Abby. I have never been through what you have to the degree that you have. I have lost many people I care about, our first baby while in utero. I have had a preemie in the NICU. I have a husband in the military. I want you to know that I am glad that you'll continue writing. Your words touch me. They MOVE me. Your faith is amazing. I envy you for that, though I know I'm not supposed to. You are an inspiration and I'm glad to "know" you.
ReplyDeleteThanks
I am here, and have been reading since Rachel shared your blog with us on her blog. I will continue to read your blog, as I know how therapeutic writing a blog can be after losing your baby. I lost my Jenna Belle almost a year ago and I get your anger. I also want my Jenna Belle's life to mean something, and help others with her story. I know there are no words, just know I will keep coming here. I may not always comment, but I will read. I hope you find this blog as healing as I have found mine to be over the past year. Sending many hugs and prayers~
ReplyDeleteJen, you know I will read your blog. Every word you write. Thank you in advance for sharing this with me. It is a wonderful gift... Love you, hugs 00000000 Karen
ReplyDeletestill reading and praying.....! love you guys!
ReplyDeleteI will read. You are an inspiring, well ground, thoughtful and loving woman. God is using you in ways you will never know. Keep writing because you have words that need to be heard and will be. Being open with your emotions will also help you to heal. Being angry with God is okay. You are being honest with Him, and he wants that from us. Let Him work in you and through you.
ReplyDeleteKaren
Jen-
ReplyDeleteI have been opening your blog every morning (and probably evening) hoping to hear from you. Yeah, we usually get teary, but we care about you AND we will read. We totally love you and are here if you need us.
Much love,
Peter & Denise
Jen, I read your blog the morning that Lydia passed away knowing that was always expected, yet unbelievably shocked and saddened! On that day we flew to France and were out of the country for two weeks. We did not have access to a computer. Every day I prayed for you, Micah and your famlilies, and I felt so out of touch. I didn't think that you were blogging but, I longed to hear anything that would direct my prayers more personally. I had so wanted to be at Lydia's memorial but, it just was not to be. God used you and Micah in a very special way. I can only guess how difficult that has been for the two of you for the past 8 months. One day all of your questions will be answered as you are reunited with Lydia and stand before our mighty God! Please do not stop blogging. We need to read it as much as you need to write it. I need to know how I can pray for you. I know it must be very difficult to sit down and write but, you should do it. I have something for you and Micah that I will mail to you. There will be a note of explanation inside of it. I hope this will comfort you as well as put smiles on your face as you remember your precious Lydia.
ReplyDeleteLove, Nancy Conklin
Jenn,
ReplyDeleteI will still be here reading. A stranger who has prayed and prayed for your daughter and your family. A stranger who's life you have touched in so many ways... ways I do not think you even could know. Your faith and TRUTH that you speak are inspiring. I can't imagine what it felt like to sit down and write that. I'll never forget your precious daughter, Lydia. Ever.
Love,
Ashley Rawlings
I will continue reading...and I'm glad that you'll continue writing. Do whatever you feel is therapeutic. If you ever want to be involved in ZBSN, just let me or Pam or Nicola know. Even if it's just reaching out to other families, or more administrative duties, or contributing to the newsletter (which I think you would be great at), there is always something that needs to be done.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the lost feeling of not knowing what to do with your life. It took us quite a while to find our path, but it was certainly one worth waiting for--even with our more recent losses. Take all the time you need to figure things out--with time comes a bit of clarity.
I wish you the best.
I didn't just read to learn about Lydia. I also read because I love you and identify so much with your journey. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to hear your words from the heart. I miss Lydia too. She became a special part of my daily life over the last 8 months, but you are also a special part of my life now and I will never be done hearing what you have to say. Besides, you need to do it for you. It is part of the healing. And I know you are angry. I was angry. I still am some days and it has been almost two years. I am praying for you as you walk this...you are not alone. And there is good. Good you will see...soon. I can't say it is the kind of good that makes it worth it. I certainly have not experienced that kind of good yet, but I have seen how my girls' lives pointed others to Christ and transformed my own heart. And I have learned to trust God's word my deeply than ever. I don't know why there was not another way and I know how much it hurts...but you can trust God even when it feels like you can't. I'm so sorry. I know how hard these days have been for you.
ReplyDeleteI found (and still find) writing about my grief so very helpful. I am sure everyone praying for Lydia has also been praying for you and your husband all along- and will continue to do so.
ReplyDeleteJen, I am glad you have decided to continue to write here. I think it will be a outlet for you that is definitely going to help you heal. Or maybe just a place to let all your anger and sadness be released, if only for a minute while you write. My heart is completely broken for you. I can't imagine how I would feel towards God, I am sure anger would be the first feeling. But then there is that tug at my heart that says to continue to have faith in Him. That He is our savior and what's what is best for us. I cry every time I read your blog, and it is just a reminder to me of how fragile life is and all the more reason for me to keep my faith strong in our Lord. You are an amazing woman Jen. I don't know if I can handle all that you have been dealt. I will continue to pray for you and your family daily, for comfort, strength and healing. I'm so sorry Jen. Love, Amy
ReplyDeleteJen,
ReplyDeleteWe are reading and we are praying for you and Micah.
Love,
David and Candice
Jen, this blog has changed my life. Your thoughts have been so profound and have moved and caused me to really see God in a different light-in the CORRECT light. Thank you for being so candid and opening your heart to us. Lydia will never be forgotten in my heart, because Ive learned so much from you both by reading about true love and motherhood. You are such a wonderful mom and I look up to you, even if we've never met. I am trying to organize a fundraiser in my city for the Kennedy Kreiger organization, all because of this blog. You are touching so many. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteDear jen,Ijust happenened to come across your blog today. You do what you have to,to survive. I lost my son 4 years ago. No one has answers. No one wants to be us. But there are women out there just like you and me. who can talk about things, your child, the suffering.The overwhelming saddness. And believe it or not. The smiles, the jokes, the love. you'll see
ReplyDeletelots of hugs,
Grayce