Thursday, July 1, 2010


Lydia's headstone was placed at the cemetery today. I've been anticipating this, expecting to feel a sense of relief at the stone's arrival - relief that the last piece was in place, that everything was complete.

I don't feel relieved. I feel wretched.

It's permanent now. She won't come back to me. I know that it was permanent before, but there's something now that marks the permanence.

My fingers traced the letters of her name, her birth and death days. Finally they traced the words we had engraved there - Safe in His arms.

Now, as I sit quietly attempting to cope again with the ache that has taken up permanent residence in me, the same words echo softly but steadily in my heart, as they did on the day we buried her.

Death is swallowed up in victory.


  1. Oh Jen, I remeber this day aswell. I had my dad check the cemetery everyday until their headstone was set and when it finally was...I just felt empty. Not the closure I was hoping for. Nothing takes it away...

  2. Jen, I can't imagine how hard it was to wait for it, and then how much harder it was for it to heart breaks for you over and over every time something brings you more pain. I only can give comfort of prayer...know I am always thinking of you and sending you love!

  3. Jenn, I know that you don't know mw, But Your husband Was such an amazing friend growing up to me. I want oyu to knwo that First off, I pray for you and Micah all the time. God is amazing and does amazing things. I know right now, losing that beautiful little girl is the hardest thing in the world. When I lost my mom to suicide, it was the hardest thing I ever went through. But Remeber one thing, The words you put on the head stone, "Safe in his arms", wow, how poerfl that is. No more pain, no more suffering, in the arms of God, looking down on you and saying, mom I'm ok. I love you, and i'm o.k. In the arms of jesus. waitng for oyu. Remeber that and I knwo its hard and you are mourning, but rejoice a little knowing that God is taking care of thea beautiful little girl... Bless you guys. TIm Bakies