Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a big day. Tomorrow, I go back to work.

I am nervous and excited and petrified and horrified and sad and OK all at the same time. More than anything right now, I'm so thankful for how many people have told me how excited they are that I'm going back to teach. I'm living off other people's excitement and encouragement right now.

My brain isn't quite in the "back to work" place yet. Today, my mom said to me, "Let me know how things go tomorrow," and my response was, "Why? What's tomorrow?" I hope I don't forget to go.

On Moving Forward

Well, I'm going back to work in less than a week. I wasn't sure until a week ago if would, but things have fallen into place and I'll be teaching part time this year. I had some long discussions and some late nights trying to make a decision. I'm a horrible decision maker in general, and this one was particularly difficult.

How do I go back to the place where I worked before Lydia was born and not have it feel like she was never here? It feels like that often enough but staying quiet and sad in my house reminds me that I have something to be quiet and sad about. To go back to work threatens to feel like pretending nothing ever happened.

I weighed the pros and cons with several of the very wise people in my life. At one point I had decided 100% to go back. Three hours later, I knew it would kill me if I went back. The next morning, I talked to Nancy and finally felt a measure of peace about going back. Turns out, you shouldn't try to make huge life decisions at 2am. Lesson learned.

Nancy and I spoke about the importance of moving forward. She told me moving forward is not moving on - moving on is to leave behind Lydia and all that she meant. Moving forward is to bring Lydia and the past year of my life along with me and to figure out what life means now.

I won't lie. Moving forward is a scary thing. I've liked this quiet, safe, alone time where I only had to let in the few people I really felt like being with and could shut the rest of the world out without much care. I know I can't stay there and I know the longer I do, the harder it will be to ever get out.

So, I'm moving forward. There won't still be bad days (much like today, in fact) but I need to keep going. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus and move forward, towards Him and in His plan.

In another forward moving attempt, I've started another blog. This blog is for Lydia and for me dealing with God and with Lydia things. It's important to me and I won't stop writing here. But there are more things going on now and my desire for creative outlet is increasing and (for better or worse), those are things I feel I want to share too. I truly believe it's part of my healing but I don't want to use this space to share pictures of other children or of things I've made that have no connection to Lydia. I want this space to remain hers and mine for now. So, I've started a blog to share the creative things (baking, felting, photographing) I've been doing.

I titled the blog Make Me New.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of
God is with men, and He will live with them.
They will be His people, and God Himself will be
with them and be their God.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes.
There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,
for the old order of things has passed away."
He who was seated on the throne said,
"I am making everything new!"

Revelation 21:3-5

This isn't the new heaven and new earth yet, but I know He is working now as I look ahead to the day when my tears will be wiped away. Until then, I'll bake. I'll felt. I'll take pictures. I'll teach. I'll keep moving forward.

Happy Birthday, Baby

Today would have been Lydia's first birthday. I won't try to explain here what that means or how I feel about it. I just wanted to post pictures - one from each month birthday we had her with us. Even though she's not here now and my heart is broken, the remains of my heart that are awaiting healing beat over and over with these words - she was here.

Even though I will cry and wish I could see her smoosh a cupcake all over her sweet little face, I will celebrate all that she was and all that we had when she was here. And I will do my best to celebrate all that she is and all that she has now.

Lydia's Tomatoes

You might remember the post where Micah and Lydia planted seeds to grow in our garden. The garden has been flourishing and I wanted to share with you a couple pictures of Lydia's tomatoes.

Lydia didn't plant the sunflower, but everyone loves a nice sunflower picture.

Thanks to everyone who prayed for my Grandpa Roy. He should be going home from the hospital today. If you would, please pray for his recovery. He'll have more treatment ahead of him after he recovers from surgery, but right now recovery is the goal.

Prayer Request

I wanted to ask all you pray-ers out there to please pray for my Grandpa Roy today. He's having surgery to remove a tumor in his colon. Please pray for wisdom and guidance for the doctors, for a quick recovery and for peace that passes understanding for him and my Grandma Flo, his wife. This is a picture of them with Lydia from her baptism. It's one of my favorite, favorite pictures.

I love you both so very much.

Triathlon COMPLETED!

Liz finished the triathlon today! Head over to her blog for more pictures and her story about the day! Love you Liz and am so thankful for you.