Three Months

Dear Lydia,

THREE MONTHS! Every month marker we hit, I count it a miracle. Actually, every week marker we hit, I count it a miracle. You breathe. You squirm. You sigh. You’re still here. Every day, you are miraculous.

There’s a lot you can learn about a person, even a small one, in a month. For example, we’ve learned that, like your mama, you do not like being woken up. You get quite the attitude and sometimes, you even cry. This, for most babies, is no big deal but as crying is a rarity with you, it’s pretty crazy you started doing this.

Speaking of having an attitude, you have definite opinions about that nasal cannula. One night, while Aunt Amy was holding you, you discovered that if you turned your head really fast, the prongs would pop out of your nose. We thought it was just a coincidence, until we put them in, you grimaced and turned your head again to knock them out. Hence the need for stylish and functional headbands.

We’ve also learned that you are ticklish! Your papa discovered this and for some reason, you only respond when he does it. You pull your feet up and throw your arms up over your head. We like to think this is how you laugh.

I’ve loved learning all of these little things about you. When things were looking really grim when we first brought you home, the thought of letting you go was so hard for me partly because I didn’t feel like I knew you at all. How could I say good-by to someone I was just starting to say hello to? Of course, now that I know all these things about you it’s so much more to miss if Jesus decides He wants you to be in heaven. But I would rather know you and deal with the hurt should it come than never have know you.

Your papa and I were talking last night as we were falling asleep, remembering three months ago, the night you were born. We decided that it feels like another lifetime that neither of us really remembers anymore. I asked him if he would take it all back if he could. He said that he would rather have had these three months with you than to never have had you at all. I feel the same. If I could have chosen between a life of only joy without you or a life of joy and sorrow with you, I would choose you every time. Hands down. No questions asked.

Even though you aren’t what I expected, you are still the answer to the greatest and most sincere prayers I ever prayed. Even if I can’t keep you, your life will always be a reminder that God heard me and answered me in His perfect time and perfect way. Even though it hurts me, I will always be thankful that your life pushes me closer and closer to Jesus.

You are a miracle, baby.

I love you.

Mama

Lydia meets Cathy!

Snuggles from Great-Grandpa Roy.

Can't you just hear her say, "Really, Dad? Really?"

Love those little girl lips.

Uneventful

The past couple of days have been excellent and non-eventful. Maybe non-eventful isn't the right word. We went out to dinner with my parents and Lydia slept the entire time in her carseat. We also took her to church for the second time, and she slept the entire time in her carseat. She did, despite the sleeping, look super-amazing in a lovely new dress from Aunt Amy.


We also got to see Rachele again. She was Lydia's primary care nurse at Yale and took such wonderful care of her. If it wasn't for Rachele, we wouldn't have had the necessary skills to make us un-afraid to bring Lydia home. It was wonderful to see her again and for her to hold Lydia in a non-medical setting. Lydia just stared at her the entire time.


We also got some new pajamas. Lydia actually had them in a smaller size that she has since grown out of. We got a new pair from the ladies at Beacon Hill church and we're so excited because they are the cutest pajamas ever.



The other day when we first put a bow in Lydia's hair (and by "in her hair" I mean "on her head") I made this video.

It's been a good couple of days.

Before Lydia

I've been thinking a lot about the days before we found out that I was pregnant with Lydia. The clear planning on God's behalf amazes me. I know without a doubt it was the struggle of the past years and the way God showed Himself faithful that causes me to trust Him now.

Micah and I had been trying without success for two years to get pregnant. I know this isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, but it felt endless while we were walking through it. We finally scheduled an appointment with a fertility doctor to pursue our final options. Throughout our journey to this point, God was revealing things to me about Him and about myself and there was a constant question I could hear Him asking me: "Jen, if I say 'no' forever, am I enough for you?" I kept fighting with Him but in time, He would win me over. He always does.

A couple weeks before the scheduled appointment, my mom went the hospital for a simple procedure. What was supposed to be a simple, quick surgery turned into a life-saving surgery. They discovered that mom had ovarian cancer. If you know much about cancer, you know that ovarian cancer is normally not detected in time and many women do not survive. They were confident that they got the cancer out completely, but this shook our family pretty severely. Mom would have to do chemo to make sure the cancer was gone and we had a long road ahead.

Mom's surgery was on a Monday. Thursday she came home from the hospital. Also on Thursday, I took a pregnancy test - one of about a million. I'd never peed on any stick and had it come out positive. This one did. I won't describe the utter HYSTERIA that ensued but it was substantial. If you want to know, ask my friend Lisa. She was the first person I called. I called my family to tell them and there was joy in a time we most needed it.

Days later, after I'd had time to process I could finally see God's timing for what it was. Through all of my begging, crying, anger, He had a bigger plan. A greater purpose. A perfect time.

I'm trying now to hold on to this knowledge I've gained. In the midst of our joy and pain now as we watch our little girl, we beg Him for healing. And again, I hear Him say, "If I say 'no' forever, am I enough for you?" He's proven in the past that He is, but I struggle now more than ever with what it seems He's asking me to let go of.

Looking at the past, I do my best to put my trust in a God who has never left me and who has responded my prayers in His perfect time and in His perfect way.

This song by Tenth Avenue North is one that I put on repeat for days at a time. It helps me remember where God is in the midst of my struggles - right in the middle of it with me.

Lydia's new look!

Today we discovered that hairbands are lovely and functional! The hold the cannula on GREAT so we don't have to worry about taping her face anymore.

She's getting chubby! I love this picture because you can see how blue her eyes are.

This rainy day was the perfect day to stay curled up in her daddy's arms,
and that's just what she did.

I got an e-mail yesterday from my Grandpa Roy. He's been sending us e-mails every week or so to encourage us as we're walking through this time. I think he thinks it doesn't help, but it always does. The one he sent yesterday was maybe my favorite so far. He included the words to his mom's favorite hymn. They were such a blessing to me and I wanted to share them with you.

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater;

He sendeth more strength when the labors increase.

To added affliction He addeth His mercy;

To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,

Our Father's full giving is only begun.

His love has no limit; His grace has no measure,

His power has no boundary known unto men.

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

For all those of you reading who have blogs, my friend Amber (www.mountainsmove.blogspot.com) made a "Praying for Lydia" button you can add to your blog, if you'd like. Here it is:The code for it is over on her blog, so add one if you're praying for our girl. Thanks, Amber! :)

Today was so different than I thought it would be. Her g-tube site was bleeding today when we took her in. After eight weeks of no problems, it figures that two days before we had to switch the g-tube to the button, it would look horrible. I was panicky, thinking that it was infected and that they would be astounded that we would let it get so bad and that we would have to stay in the hospital so they could give her anti-biotics. I'm not sure...I think I might be a worrier. Maybe.

We went up to Yale and before we took her for the procedure, we stopped up at the NICU. We saw the wonderful Bruna who was our care manager and got us all set up to bring Lydia home. We also saw Dr. Bizzaro who was the first doctor to see her at Yale. He started the big push to get Lydia home to us quickly. It was great to be able to bring her back to see them! We didn't expect she'd be here long enough to take her to visit. Thank you both (I hope you're reading!) for taking such good care of Lydia and of us!

We brought her down and only waited for a few minutes. Those were enjoyable minutes because they had Babe on the TV. Awesome. Again, I was FREAKING OUT. The physicians assistant came in and took one look at her site and said, "This looks awesome!" I was pleasantly shocked. Apparently, she's seen some pretty nasty stuff.

She pulled out the tube, popped in the button and we were done. It was ridiculously easy. It went perfectly. Here are some pictures!

Here she is sleeping in her car seat, waiting to go in.

Papa keeping an eye on her.

Button in!

Zonked out at home after a long day! Look at the chubby cheeks!

Meanwhile, we also found out she is ticklish! She pulls her legs up and gets a cute look on her face like she maybe wants to laugh. We can't tell for sure, but we think she's happy. Sorry it's sideways.