Three Months

Dear Lydia,

THREE MONTHS! Every month marker we hit, I count it a miracle. Actually, every week marker we hit, I count it a miracle. You breathe. You squirm. You sigh. You’re still here. Every day, you are miraculous.

There’s a lot you can learn about a person, even a small one, in a month. For example, we’ve learned that, like your mama, you do not like being woken up. You get quite the attitude and sometimes, you even cry. This, for most babies, is no big deal but as crying is a rarity with you, it’s pretty crazy you started doing this.

Speaking of having an attitude, you have definite opinions about that nasal cannula. One night, while Aunt Amy was holding you, you discovered that if you turned your head really fast, the prongs would pop out of your nose. We thought it was just a coincidence, until we put them in, you grimaced and turned your head again to knock them out. Hence the need for stylish and functional headbands.

We’ve also learned that you are ticklish! Your papa discovered this and for some reason, you only respond when he does it. You pull your feet up and throw your arms up over your head. We like to think this is how you laugh.

I’ve loved learning all of these little things about you. When things were looking really grim when we first brought you home, the thought of letting you go was so hard for me partly because I didn’t feel like I knew you at all. How could I say good-by to someone I was just starting to say hello to? Of course, now that I know all these things about you it’s so much more to miss if Jesus decides He wants you to be in heaven. But I would rather know you and deal with the hurt should it come than never have know you.

Your papa and I were talking last night as we were falling asleep, remembering three months ago, the night you were born. We decided that it feels like another lifetime that neither of us really remembers anymore. I asked him if he would take it all back if he could. He said that he would rather have had these three months with you than to never have had you at all. I feel the same. If I could have chosen between a life of only joy without you or a life of joy and sorrow with you, I would choose you every time. Hands down. No questions asked.

Even though you aren’t what I expected, you are still the answer to the greatest and most sincere prayers I ever prayed. Even if I can’t keep you, your life will always be a reminder that God heard me and answered me in His perfect time and perfect way. Even though it hurts me, I will always be thankful that your life pushes me closer and closer to Jesus.

You are a miracle, baby.

I love you.

Mama