Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Two Months

Dear Lydia,

Two months ago today you were born. That was the most wonderful and frightening day of my whole life. Nothing was what we thought or dreamed it would be, except that your face was just as beautiful as I imagined it would be. You didn’t move. You didn’t cry. But you were so lovely.

Two months have gone by. I should be writing all the new things you’ve learned to do in two months, but that isn’t the kind of baby you are or the kind of letter this is. I want to tell you what I’ve learned so far from being your mama. Everyone always told me that having a baby would change my life forever, and you, in two short months, have done just that.

I have learned how to give a tiny little girl a bath. The first bath I ever gave you took about forty five minutes. I’ve got it down to about ten now. OK. Maybe twenty. It’s one of my favorite things to do with you because you wake up so much and look all around. You move your arms up over your head and look like you’re about to fly away. You also rock a towel with a duck head better than any baby I’ve ever seen.

I’ve learned how to hold and snuggle you just right so that you can breathe the best. I put you on your side, snuggle you into the center of my chest, just high enough that your head tucks in under my chin, and hold my breath to feel your heart beat.

I’ve learned how to tell when you’re about to have a seizure. You start to breathe really hard and fast and pull your legs up. I’m glad that I learned this, because I can scoop you up and hold you close so you won’t be as scared. And so I won’t be as scared.

I’ve learned more from you about unconditional love then from any person I’ve ever met. When I was pregnant with you, I began to learn about my own ability to love, but I also learned so much about the way God loves me. Your birth wasn’t the end of those lessons. I can’t imagine there being more love than the love I have for you - I would give all of my life to give you a chance to have one too - but every time I look at your face, I remember the deep love the Father has for me. This love has become more clear to me in many ways, but it’s too much to tell you here.

I’ve known for a while how it feels to be sad and even completely heartbroken. But I begin now to know what sorrow feels like. In knowing that, I’ve also learned what joy in the midst of sorrows is really all about.

You’ve taught me how to live each day for itself, knowing that no days are promised to us.

You’ve taught me that God doesn’t promise us health or even healing on this earth. But He promises to be with us until the end of the age. Call me crazy, but I KNOW He is with you. I can see it in your eyes. Looking in your eyes, I know He’s with me too.

I don’t know if I can say yet that I’m thankful for the way you are because of what it has taught me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say that and truly mean it. But, I know that I am thankful for you and that these past two months, though the most difficult, have also been the best of my life.

Happy Birthday, sweet baby.



  1. Jen, your honesty and beauty of writing is beyond words. Thank you for sharing this with all of us-reminding us of the Father's faithfulness.

  2. You don't know me, but I'm a friend of one of your friends and I've been following your blog and praying for your family and sweet Lydia for a couple of weeks now. You are such a strong woman. Your daughter is an angel. She is simply amazing. Your faith astounds me. Your faith strengthens my faith and that's always a good thing! When I lost my daughter Sadie, faith is what kept me going for my other daughter, Piper, for my husband, and for myself. May Heavenly Father continue to bless your wonderful family!

  3. This is such an amazing story. You should consider a book, in any free time you may have. About the changes in your life, your husbands, how God has brought so many chirstians together praying for one family, and how amazing your child is. With so much that is going on in my everyday life, I always manage to find the time to pray for Lydia, read your blogs, and look at your pictures. It takes a strong family to deal with the things that God has given to you in 2 months time. I cant imagine what you are going through. I am so blessed to have a healthy family, but have learned not to take any days for granted. Your story has touched me in many was. I can only pray for a long life for Lydia, and peace for you and Micah. May God continue to Bless you all. :)

  4. You don't know me either, but I have been closely following the story of your sweet family. You are teaching me what it means to completely abandon yourself to God's will. I can only imagine what it feels like to literally have your heart breaking in front of you, but true faith comes when you can still worship, even while your very heart is breaking. There is a song that says, "When you don't understand, when you can't see His plan, trust His heart." Thank you for trusting His heart.

  5. Hi -
    You don't know me either - but I know Rich and I found your blog through him - I pray for you and Micah & Lydia - I see in your spirit that God is making you more and more beautiful in his image every single day you get with Lydia - it is incredible to me how you appreciate every moment and you need to know what a witness you are to others. I have told people here at school (UConn) about your family and I have told my own mom. The letter is a beautiful testimony not only to a mom's love but to the tremendous image of God as a parent and how much greater he loves us. Thank you for sharing your heart and your lives with so many people you don't know!
    Isaiah 55:9-10&12

  6. Oh Jen, two months, seven days or thirteen days...it is all it takes to be changed forever for sure. The things we have learned and will learn through these sweet girls will never make it worth it, but it is an amazing display of God's love for us. We do not suffer in vain and our babies lives are more meaningful than we ever imagined. It is a tough road but we don't walk alone. I love you.

  7. I cried a little...that was so beautiful.

  8. This was so beautiful Jen. Thanks for sharing it with us. You and Lydia are still continually in our prayers. Thank you for living out your love for the Lord in VERY visible ways. It is encouraging and challenging.