Two Months

Dear Lydia,

Two months ago today you were born. That was the most wonderful and frightening day of my whole life. Nothing was what we thought or dreamed it would be, except that your face was just as beautiful as I imagined it would be. You didn’t move. You didn’t cry. But you were so lovely.

Two months have gone by. I should be writing all the new things you’ve learned to do in two months, but that isn’t the kind of baby you are or the kind of letter this is. I want to tell you what I’ve learned so far from being your mama. Everyone always told me that having a baby would change my life forever, and you, in two short months, have done just that.

I have learned how to give a tiny little girl a bath. The first bath I ever gave you took about forty five minutes. I’ve got it down to about ten now. OK. Maybe twenty. It’s one of my favorite things to do with you because you wake up so much and look all around. You move your arms up over your head and look like you’re about to fly away. You also rock a towel with a duck head better than any baby I’ve ever seen.

I’ve learned how to hold and snuggle you just right so that you can breathe the best. I put you on your side, snuggle you into the center of my chest, just high enough that your head tucks in under my chin, and hold my breath to feel your heart beat.

I’ve learned how to tell when you’re about to have a seizure. You start to breathe really hard and fast and pull your legs up. I’m glad that I learned this, because I can scoop you up and hold you close so you won’t be as scared. And so I won’t be as scared.

I’ve learned more from you about unconditional love then from any person I’ve ever met. When I was pregnant with you, I began to learn about my own ability to love, but I also learned so much about the way God loves me. Your birth wasn’t the end of those lessons. I can’t imagine there being more love than the love I have for you - I would give all of my life to give you a chance to have one too - but every time I look at your face, I remember the deep love the Father has for me. This love has become more clear to me in many ways, but it’s too much to tell you here.

I’ve known for a while how it feels to be sad and even completely heartbroken. But I begin now to know what sorrow feels like. In knowing that, I’ve also learned what joy in the midst of sorrows is really all about.

You’ve taught me how to live each day for itself, knowing that no days are promised to us.

You’ve taught me that God doesn’t promise us health or even healing on this earth. But He promises to be with us until the end of the age. Call me crazy, but I KNOW He is with you. I can see it in your eyes. Looking in your eyes, I know He’s with me too.

I don’t know if I can say yet that I’m thankful for the way you are because of what it has taught me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say that and truly mean it. But, I know that I am thankful for you and that these past two months, though the most difficult, have also been the best of my life.

Happy Birthday, sweet baby.

Love,
Mama