Friday, December 11, 2009

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today I found out that I was pregnant with Lydia. I wouldn’t normally remember the date, as I’m a horrible date rememberer, but my mom is an excellent rememberer of dates, and since her surgery was three days previous to my discovery, I simply did the math. It’s funny how it was both the end of a long road and the beginning one. Long roads or not, it was one of the greatest moments of my life because it was a thing that I prayed for and struggled with like nothing else - and He finally said yes.

I’ve already told about the time and the struggle with my mom and the perfection of God’s timing, so I won’t go into that. I just want to remember and celebrate that day. So I’m going to tell you that story.

To understand the sheer joy that occurred, you have to understand that I peed on probably HUNDREDS of sticks - ovulation, pregnancy - and none of them had ever once come back positive. Every time a test was negative, it was a little heartbreak. One more unanswered prayer.

Micah was up at school and I spent some time on the phone with him saying that I really didn’t want to take one more test because I couldn’t handle another “no” when so much crappy stuff was already going on. I, being one who apparently enjoys suffering, of course went home and took the test, preparing to have a really good cry when it was negative. Just like all the rest.

I peed and walked away for three minutes. When I walked back into the bathroom, I picked the test up from its precarious perch on the sink and saw two pink lines. Luckily for me, the code to deciphering the test is right on the test itself. I compared and saw what two pink lines meant. I didn’t believe it. I grabbed the box and read all of the instructions. All confirmed that two pink lines meant pregnant.

I, like a good crazy person, burst into wild hysterics. I grabbed my phone and, unable to think of numbers that could even go together to call anyone, I hit re-dial. My friend Lisa answered the phone. Though I know that I was utterly unintelligible (you can ask her - she’ll confirm), the blithering, sobbing gibberish SCREAMING all came out to mean, “LISA! LISA, THERE’S TWO PINK LINES! TWO PINK LINES MEANS PREGNANT!” And always when I said pregnant I sobbed so hard I nearly choked because I just couldn’t believe it.

Then I called my mom. My poor mom. She had just gotten home from the hospital that afternoon and I had left her house not more than an hour ago. She answered and I was still hysterical. Later, she would tell me that when she heard my weeping voice say, “Mom...” she nearly threw the phone across the room. She thought it was more bad news and she just couldn’t take more bad news. Amidst continued sobs, I told her and she told my dad and my sister Amy who showed up at my house with my sister Allison (who was stolen from choir practice to come celebrate).

We went to Target to get a onesie that I could use to tell Micah I was pregnant. When I got home, I smooshed it into one of the little doors on our advent calendar. He finally got home around midnight and I told him he had to open his advent door for the day. He pulled out the onesie, unwrapped it and read it. It said “I love Daddy” on it. I could see him trying to register what it all meant. He just looked at me and simply said, “Baby.” I pulled the test out of my sweatshirt pocket (because I was carrying it around like a loony so I could look at it whenever I wanted) and held it up for him to see. It was joy. Complete, utter, astounding, breathtaking joy.

He heard me. When I had given up hope for this thing I so wanted, after years of doing battle with Him, trying to understand why, after countless prayers begging Him to bless us with a child - He said yes.

What happened after wasn’t what I expected it would be - months of worry, ultrasound after ultrasound concerned about a brain abnormality that turned out to be nothing, and then a much bigger problem that we didn’t see coming when she was born. She isn’t what we thought she would be. But she has been a miracle from the moment we knew about her and in the midst of sorrow has been the greatest joy. She is the answer to my most fervent prayers.

She is proof to me every day that God is faithful.

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