You turn eight months old today.
I think only you understand how difficult it is for me to write this letter. You’re the only one who has been with me for almost every sad, helpless moment of this past month. This is probably the hardest letter so far. I’m having such a difficult time celebrating all of the sweet little moments with you like I used to. But I still try. I know that every moment I get to hold you in my arms is a gift, even if it sometimes is I gift I have to grapple with.
God has still been very good to me and given me such precious moments with you. I know, practically, that you can’t control when you seize and that no amount of rocking and loving from me is going to make you stop. But, there have been moments when you are screaming through a seizure and when I come and pick you up and rock you gently as I sing you our new song, you quiet down and fall back asleep. He knows I need those moments because for every one, there are ten awful ones that I can’t help.
You don’t wake up much now. The only time I get to see your beautiful eyes is when you are having a seizure. Every now and then, you’ll wake up for a few seconds. I’m not sure if you can see me anymore. It’s difficult some days to believe that you hear or understand anything, but deep down I believe your soul is still aware of what is going on around you. I pray every day that you feel how much I love you as I hold you close and whisper it over and over into your ear.
Whether you understand or not, we’re still trying to take you places and do new things with you. This month we’ve planted seeds, baked cookies, gone to the zoo and celebrated Easter! All things made better because they were done with you.
For all the bad, hard things there are still so many beautiful things. And until you aren’t here anymore, I will keep trying to show you things and keep making memories that I will hold in my heart until the end of my days.
I love you, sweet girl. Always will.
(My friend Amber made Lydia a tutu! Here are some pictures from our photo shoot! I was calling her "Tiny Dancer" and singing Elton John).