She said something to me in an e-mail a couple of days ago that had not really occurred to me. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I hadn't thought of this before. But I've just had a very profound moment where what she said impacted me very deeply, where God used her words to speak to me in a moment of panic and anger.
Megan said, "I think motherhood is a spiritual endeavor, but being the mother of one of the very least of these is really a slap in the face to the Enemy. What you and I have done for our babies sings of the sanctity of human life, and Satan hates it. I know you know this. I just say it to remind you that there is a great deal of good vs. evil, spiritual warfare, in your everyday routine with Lydia."
Now, I'm not one to see the devil hiding around every corner. In fact, I tend to go more in the opposite direction. Not that I disregard him or don't know he has power, I just tend to not want to blame the bad or difficult things in my life on the devil. But honestly, let's just say it like it is. Some of the things that go on here, and specifically some of the feelings I have are NOT of the Lord.
For example, tonight. Lydia has had a really difficult day today. I mentioned in my previous post that we're working on getting her medication corrected. Tonight, just a few minutes before Micah left for youth group, Lydia started having pretty rough seizures. She was screaming, crying, and stopping breathing. I still had over and hour before I could get her another dose of medication. She seized non-stop from the time Micah left, until I gave her the medication which was over an hour.
I started getting really worked up. And then I started crying. And then, I got angry. My head started doing something like this, "If these seizures, these seizures take her life, I will not have done enough to help her. I should have been on the phone EVERY DAY last week to make appointments. I should have been pushier with her neurologist to get higher dosages. I am NOT doing everything I can to help her. If she dies from these seizures, it will be my fault."
Yes, my friends, it's been a lovely evening here in the Thompson home.
I got her medicated, got her in bed and she calmed down. I came out, sat on the couch and tried to take deep, cleansing breaths. With each breath, as the voices in my head started to quiet, I heard that small, sweet voice coming from the back corner of my heart. You know the one I'm talking about - the one you KNOW is the one voice you should listen to.
"Stop it. You know what the truth is. If the end of her days comes tonight, it is not because of anything you have or have not done. It is because these are the number of days I have ordained for her. If today were the day, no amount of medication would fix it. Stop panicking. Stop blaming yourself. The guilt, the fear - those emotions are not from Me. Remember the truth."
Yep. I love when God tells me to knock it off. I have a feeling this won't be the last time I hear it.
The devil. He's a sneaky dude. It is INSANE to me that he can use the love I have for my child and twist it to a place that says loving her means saving her, and if I don't save her, if I can't take away the things that hurt her, I must not love her. I don't know why I think that since I'm going through this time that the devil would stay away from me. Everything in the Bible points to exactly the opposite. He doesn't play fair.
I need so much to remember that. And more importantly, I need to remember this: