Sunday, April 11, 2010

Lesson Learned on a Sunday Evening

I have a new friend. Her name is Megan. I don't recall ever having met a Megan I didn't love. Regardless, though Megan and I have yet to actually meet and we've only been "talking" via e-mail for about a month, she has been an incredible blessing to me. She lost her sweet baby boy to a genetic disorder and she has encouraged me as I stare down what is coming and she has been real with me as she walks through her own grief. I've been incredibly thankful for her.

She said something to me in an e-mail a couple of days ago that had not really occurred to me. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I hadn't thought of this before. But I've just had a very profound moment where what she said impacted me very deeply, where God used her words to speak to me in a moment of panic and anger.

Megan said, "I think motherhood is a spiritual endeavor, but being the mother of one of the very least of these is really a slap in the face to the Enemy. What you and I have done for our babies sings of the sanctity of human life, and Satan hates it. I know you know this. I just say it to remind you that there is a great deal of good vs. evil, spiritual warfare, in your everyday routine with Lydia."

Now, I'm not one to see the devil hiding around every corner. In fact, I tend to go more in the opposite direction. Not that I disregard him or don't know he has power, I just tend to not want to blame the bad or difficult things in my life on the devil. But honestly, let's just say it like it is. Some of the things that go on here, and specifically some of the feelings I have are NOT of the Lord.

For example, tonight. Lydia has had a really difficult day today. I mentioned in my previous post that we're working on getting her medication corrected. Tonight, just a few minutes before Micah left for youth group, Lydia started having pretty rough seizures. She was screaming, crying, and stopping breathing. I still had over and hour before I could get her another dose of medication. She seized non-stop from the time Micah left, until I gave her the medication which was over an hour.

I started getting really worked up. And then I started crying. And then, I got angry. My head started doing something like this, "If these seizures, these seizures take her life, I will not have done enough to help her. I should have been on the phone EVERY DAY last week to make appointments. I should have been pushier with her neurologist to get higher dosages. I am NOT doing everything I can to help her. If she dies from these seizures, it will be my fault."

Yes, my friends, it's been a lovely evening here in the Thompson home.

I got her medicated, got her in bed and she calmed down. I came out, sat on the couch and tried to take deep, cleansing breaths. With each breath, as the voices in my head started to quiet, I heard that small, sweet voice coming from the back corner of my heart. You know the one I'm talking about - the one you KNOW is the one voice you should listen to.

"Stop it. You know what the truth is. If the end of her days comes tonight, it is not because of anything you have or have not done. It is because these are the number of days I have ordained for her. If today were the day, no amount of medication would fix it. Stop panicking. Stop blaming yourself. The guilt, the fear - those emotions are not from Me. Remember the truth."

Yep. I love when God tells me to knock it off. I have a feeling this won't be the last time I hear it.

The devil. He's a sneaky dude. It is INSANE to me that he can use the love I have for my child and twist it to a place that says loving her means saving her, and if I don't save her, if I can't take away the things that hurt her, I must not love her. I don't know why I think that since I'm going through this time that the devil would stay away from me. Everything in the Bible points to exactly the opposite. He doesn't play fair.

I need so much to remember that. And more importantly, I need to remember this:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.


  1. whew! what a night, jen! ... the good, the bad, the ugly ...and the VICTORIOUS! yay! keep holding on to the TRUTH! we love you guys and continue to pray for you!

  2. Jen - I am so proud of you and all you and your husband have been going through. It has been a privilege to read this posts - I read, I cry, and I pray! God IS getting the glory! Be strong in Him. Hugs from Florida! : )

  3. Jen,

    We met many years ago when your father and I worked together in NC. What a great testament you are to your parents. I have always had the most respect for your Dad and I can tell you are his daughter. I have kept up with you and Lydia for about 5 or 6 months now and you have given me so much strength.
    in your posts I just wanted to thank you so much for your latest entry. God Bless you!

  4. Oh my! Thank you Jen. This is one of your most powerful posts yet. It spoke VOLUMES to me! I too have felt "at fault" and now I see that my love for my daughters and my love for God has been twisted by Satan to make me feel somehow "deserving" of the losses I have suffered. For almost two years now I have felt that if I was a better mother and a better Christian I would not have had to lose them...and all this time I didn't see it was all a lie, a horrible headtrip from the father of lies himself. What a load off my shoulders to see that it was my calling, not my punishment, to be the mother of the least of these, the tiny lives that seem to go before anyone even knew they came. I cannot even explain how moved I am by this post, moved to tears actually. You have a gift and today God used you and Lydia and Megan to truly change the path of my grief. I will have more healing now because of these words. Bless you friend. Thank you for your faith and tender heart, it is changing more lives than you can imagine.

  5. Jen,

    I don't know you, but I just found this blog through my Aunt Faith. Thank you for sharing your life here, and for this post. My little girl is 4 months old, and some of the thoughts you have contemplated are things I have struggled with in my own mind. Just needed to hear the truth...